This is a part of a series of posts where I am writing about my feelings/emotions towards the end of my pregnancy with my second child. This is the third of four. You can read the first entry here.
I write this as I am currently 36 weeks pregnant with my second child. This third trimester has caught me by surprise in so many ways. First, it has snuck up on me, I know I can’t be pregnant forever, but just like in my first pregnancy I always want more time because I do not feel ready. I know I will never feel ready. The second pregnancy I don’t feel ready for different reasons. This is the third of four posts where I will be expressing the emotions and feelings that I have been going through.
Fear of contractions/labor …
This pic above is right before I went to the hospital that day after 3 days of contractions … My expression was very real!
T’s birth story:
Most of you do not know my birth story with T, I will briefly recap it now. I remember when I was pregnant with T I was always concerned if I would “know” I was having contractions. What does it feel like? What if I don’t realize I am having them? I know, a silly question to anyone that has gone through it, but I did tend to have a big threshold for pain in the past to the point where it has been dangerous for my health. When I was only in middle school, my appendix burst because I did not “complain” enough about the pain. I was afraid something like that would happen again… I remember it clearly, though, when I first started to feel something. I was on the way home from work on a Monday evening (yes, I was working up until I went into labor). I felt a bit of discomfort, but kind of brushed it off. I even insisted on walking the couple blocks home from the garage where I park my car instead of being dropped right in front of my building. I actually ran into a friend on the street on the way home and talked to her for a bit. Later on, she asked me – “wait? Were you having contractions when I saw you?” .. and I kind of smiled and said .. “I guess I was!” By the time I got home, I was pretty convinced the discomfort I was having the beginnings of contractions. Matt was still at work and I called him to see where he was. I calmly told him to get home soon and he said he would be home in 40 minutes. I then texted my doula, as we were hoping to have a natural birth and told her that it had started! At that point the contractions were 9 minutes apart and she told me to start getting ready for a wild night. As it went later into the evening, my contractions never were closer than 6 minute apart. At that point, my doula recommended that Matt go to sleep (as he would need his rest for active labor later on) and I spent the night mainly in the bathroom counting the contractions on my phone app by myself. The night felt long and my contractions kept constant at 6 minutes or so apart. By morning they were even longer apart and they started to get less frequent which my doula said was normal for contractions to trail off during the day and start up again in the evening. Which is what happened. Fast forward, the same thing happened through Tuesday and Tuesday evening. I was up since Monday evening having contractions every 6-8 minutes. By Wednesday morning I had been up for two nights straight and exhausted. I remember saying to Matt, let’s just go in and get a C-section .. lol. I was so done with my original birth plan of going all natural :). Regardless, I did want to go in to have the baby checked to be sure that she was healthy in there during all this time. I went to the hospital later that morning. The baby was doing well and they confirmed my contractions. They also said at this rate I would be ready to delivery naturally within the next couple of days but worried I would not have enough energy left in me to go through the long labor after days and days of no rest and sleep. I agreed they were probably right. By Wednesday evening I was admitted into a room and our little T was born at 2 am Thursday morning. I remember after I got the epidural and all the pain went away, I thought to myself, why did I ever think of doing all natural, this is fantastic! Hahaha… seriously though, I wish I could have gone all natural as planned, but things rarely turn out the way you plan it. In the end we had a healthy little baby, you now know as T and that is all that matters.
This brings us to the present. While I do enjoy “being pregnant”, I can not say I enjoyed having contractions and being in labor. Thus my fear of contractions and labor. One fear is that I will be driving by myself when it begins. It takes me about an hour and sometimes longer to drive home from work in the evenings. The fear of getting contractions while alone and driving is very real to me. This is the reason why this time around I have decided to take time off before my due date so that I am not put into this situation. My doctor actually wanted me to do this during my first pregnancy but I was stubborn about it. This time I am taking her advice.
The other fear deals with the contractions/labor in general. In a way I envy those that have scheduled C-sections. I am not a fan of uncertainty and lack of control of when I will go into labor. That being said, I know I have done it before, so that takes a bit of the stress out of it. I also do not have a doula this time around to “hold my hand”. I just hope it does not take three days or more of contractions before he makes his appearance. Especially because this time around we have little T to take care of. For my first, I just needed to think of myself and the little baby inside, this time around we have to think of T and who will be taking care of her, causing a bit of extra stress!
Below are some photos of the first moments when T was born … (okay, looking at these photos .. I’m not as scared, since the outcome is beyond magical!) I can’t wait to meet you little guy! xx, mom