This is a part of a series of posts where I am writing about my feelings/emotions towards the end of my pregnancy with my second child. This is the last of four. You can read the first entry here.
I write this as I am currently 36 weeks pregnant with my second child. This third trimester has caught me by surprise in so many ways. First, it has snuck up on me, I know I can’t be pregnant forever, but just like in my first pregnancy I always want more time because I do not feel ready. I know I will never feel ready. The second pregnancy I don’t feel ready for different reasons. This is the fourth of four posts where I will be expressing the emotions and feelings that I have been going through.
How can I love someone as much as I do T?
… & missing my time with T
This is the feeling I feel most guilty about. Especially having gone through such a journey to become pregnant. How can I be having these feelings about my second child? After talking to a few people and reading some others thoughts it was a relief to know that I am not alone in these feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy and grateful to have another child join our family. It is something I only dreamed about. I think that is why I was so surprised to feel this way during the pregnancy. I remember during one morning when it was only me and T getting ready for school/work we were just having a great time together and then a thought came to me: I love T so much, I can not imagine loving another child as much as her. We tried to have her for over six years, the feelings I have for T are so extreme. I love our time together and cherish every moment, I wondered if having another baby would ruin that. I have heard many others who have had these feelings say that once you have the baby, you understand how you could love them both – even more than you had ever thought. One person put it: “Your love is not divided, it is multiplied…”
I do believe that once I hold this little guy in my arms, all these mixed emotions will diminish. I am just surprised how this thought never occurred to me before I was pregnant with my second. That being said, writing this now at 36 weeks pregnant, to be completely honest, I feel a bit sad to be saying goodbye to my family of three. I am truly going to miss having my sole attention and time with T. This sounds extremely cheesy and generic but she has truly brought me so much joy. I love spending time with her and seeing her grow every day, she has taught me so much. I do not want to miss a minute. (Plus, we have gotten into such a good place with the three of us, I hope adding a fourth does not end up in a lot of chaos! .. but chaos can be good too 😉 .. )